Elizabeth MacInnis - June 2010 - Relationship Blog
Where have all the good men and women gone? The answer.....many of them are right in front of you.
The lives we lead today are full of distractions. We find ourselves planning for the future, making lists of tasks that still need to be done, or worrying about how the money we spent on one thing is taking away from something else we might have wanted/needed. How many times have you told yourself, “...this will be different when things get better...”? With that thought, you had already mentally written off that day and moved on to some future point in time.
Think back to the momentous occasions in your life.....can you remember how you felt at those exact moments? Those were the times you were completely, fully, and wholly living in the moment. Years may have passed but you can likely vividly remember the details of those experiences.
Living in the moment is, for many people, a lost art. It takes practice, patience and fine tuning. We assume that the future will be better so there must be something wrong with where we are (or who is in front of us) right now.
When you met your friends did you immediately know everything there was to know about them? I doubt it. Did they immediately know how to anticipate your moods, your tastes, your feelings? I highly doubt that. Did you immediately pour your heart out to them about every private detail in your life prior to meeting them (without the coercion of large amounts of alcohol)? I truly doubt that - they had to earn your trust.....over time. You built a repertoire of memories, good and bad through your time together. So why is it when we meet someone on a “date” that we envision ourselves in the future with that person? It’s a date. It’s not a marriage.
You have to decide if you are the type of person that is open to learning, experiencing, growing and living. If the man/woman you’re having coffee with doesn’t like mystery novels does that mean you should (and no pun intended here) write them off? I would hope not. If your criteria for meeting someone is so limited that you have a severely restricted checklist (and I’m not talking about the important issues like morals, or a lengthy history of incarceration), then may I suggest you get a cat or a house plant. Then you can choose the color of the animal or the blooming time of the flower that you would like to have.
Those in long-term, healthy relationships would likely say that however they met their partner, their bond strengthened over time through their growth as a couple. Many that have been in failed relationships likely bet their future on initial chemistry and some seemingly similar interests at the outset.
I hear many clients saying they want an open-minded, caring, honest, strong person. But when they meet someone that has travelled extensively, nursed a dying spouse, has opinions, and can make decisions for themselves, those qualities become negatives. After an initial meeting it astounds me how they hone in on the fact that their date couldn’t let go of the memory of their spouse, wasn’t ready to move on, or they can’t seem to stay home. Those people with the innate ability to instantly foretell the future should truly pick our world leaders. Astounding that they can define a personality in 2 hours. Me? Well I have a hard time picking out paint color so I tend to try different, small samplings before making a commitment to painting a whole room. I have been surprised at how many times I chose something completely different than what I thought I “knew” I wanted.
When you go on a date - and let’s not even put the pressure of all that word implies on an outing - when you go out to meet someone new, enjoy the experience. Don’t allow yourself to teleport yourself and this new person to some future point where you’re disagreeing on how many children to have or what crises you will have to deal with. Live in the moment, enjoy a new perspective or a sense of humor that may surprise you. If you don’t feel chemistry immediately, so be it, no one said you have to buy a tux or a dress tomorrow. So the woman across the table from you doesn’t like to fly fish; is she even open to trying it? She might enjoy sitting on the bank reading while you do. And really, isn’t that what you have “buddies” for? So what if the man in front of you lost a spouse? You know he’s capable of sharing his life with someone in the most intimate ways and understands commitment. If he doesn’t like to ballroom dance then hang out with other people that do. Maybe he would learn to dance if he knew that was important to you.
I am not advocating that we all stop planning for the future or being realistic about how we spend our time\energy\resources. I am, however, suggesting that if you can learn to enjoy the right here, right now, you may be surprised at what is staring you in the face. Finding a person to share your life with is not as simple as ordering off the menu at your favorite restaurant. If you have the same meal every time you go to the restaurant and they happen to be out of chicken that day, do you leave and never return? I doubt it; you would try something else and who knows - maybe it becomes your new favorite. When we open ourselves up to the possibilities of new experiences we are winners every time.
So now that you know you must live in the moment.....how do you do that? Stay tuned for next time for some hints and tips.
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